I Didn’t Want to Look at Myself
By Heidi H., Newfoundland (image from the National Park Service – Rocky Mt National Park)
When I look back at my past decisions, I can honestly say that I spent more time trying to fix others than working on myself. I probably did this because I didn’t want to look at my defects. I didn’t know I had any. Maybe it was denial that helped me cope. I deflected. In my childhood, feelings weren’t discussed, and self-reflection wasn’t a part of life. You just “got by.” Mom and I were on welfare, so there didn’t seem to be many choices; we’d move our furniture around to make it seem like it was all new. Ta-da! A new perspective.
In some ways I was successful, but emotionally, I wasn’t mature. Some days I still find myself doing the same things while expecting different outcomes. I react quickly, looking for an instant fix or sometimes pity. I don’t like sitting with my thoughts or emotions for too long. Maybe I can only handle a little bit at a time. But thinking before acting, I can use that pause to make better choices, which will help me feel better in the long run. Maybe I don’t have to force success or even force sanity. Maybe I just have to trust that my Higher Power can take care of whatever it is when I ask for help in making healthier decisions.
I have the choice to act differently and therefore be healthy and whole. Thanks to Al‑Anon for teaching me that letting go of my control can, in fact, bring me peace.
Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.